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Over the years I have learned that one of the biggest life-changing choices a person can make is who they choose as a mate. The results can range from dream come true, to nightmare. It can be a happy life ever after, or after a year or two you realize that you are married to someone you wouldn't date. What thinking and preferences are at work when someone decides that this is the person I want to date or marry? What follows is not a fact for everyone. Rather, it is about trends that psychological researchers seem to have found more often than not.
To narrow things down I will limit the research to short-term and long-term mating. Long-term mating is characterized by being emotionally involved with each other, commitment to each other, and bonding as a couple. Short-term mating does not involve the characteristics of long-term relationships. They are what we call temporary, hookups, or one-night stands. Each approach has costs and benefits. It depends on each person's goals.
There are a number of goals that men and women seem to share. Keep in mind that dating should be viewed as a screening process. Does the other person have similar goals for the future and for the relationship? Is the other person both able and want to make a commitment? What desirable long-term qualities does the other person have? One question I ask is, is this the type of person you want to be the mother or father of your children? Are there potential good parenting skills? Does the other person want or not want children? How selfish and self-centered is that person? Are they burdened by complications and costs from previous relationships?
Men looking for long-term relationships will probably prioritize how dependable and stable the woman is in many ways. They want her to be able to express her love for him, and be willing to be committed to him and their relationship. Is she capable of fidelity, loyalty, devotedness, and trust? Is she capable of sexual fidelity? What value does she place on sexuality?
Women seem to generally want a man to be in good health, to be intelligent, and stable. He hopefully is dependable and, rather than be rigid, is flexible and able to adapt to changes. Financial resources are a concern. How able is he to support a family? If he can't support himself, how will he support a wife and children? Does he have ambition? Will he share his money, time, and resources with his wife and children? Is he capable of helping her achieve what she wants for the future?
Think of all the potential mates that any of us are exposed to. It may be hundreds or even thousands. That means that there are hundreds or even thousands of people that are people you should not choose as a mate. Each of them may have some great qualities, but that does not mean that those qualities are a good fit for you. When you get past the good qualities, what are the not so good qualities that you have not seen yet, or are ignoring? As mentioned in the beginning, it is too late if you realize that you are married to someone that you wouldn’t date.