It is my guess that just about everybody would prefer to be able to take care of themselves, and not have to rely on other people. Self-sufficiency, independence, self-reliance, confidence in our own abilities and preferring not to ask for help is the idea. Some of us, for a variety of reasons, believe that they need to lean on other people to get through life.

Dependent people may not want to make a decision without first checking what other people think. Taking responsibility for something triggers anxiety and therefore is avoided. He or she may tolerate being treated badly rather than be on their own. Because they feel so poorly about themselves, they want someone to do things for them, and take care of them. The person may be quite capable and competent, but will not risk making a possibly incorrect decision, or failure.

Psychologists generally find that a dependent person will seek out people who are willing, or want, to nurture them, provide guidance for them, offer some assurance of protection, and give them the support that they believe that they cannot provide for themselves. Their ability to adjust and adapt to change can be compromised. That can be a real problem because if there is one thing you can count on, not much stays the same. Change is a challenge that is always on the horizon.

When we enter this world, we are naturally dependent on our parents. If there were no one to take care of us, we would not last very long. We begin life dependent. Hopefully we are taught and learn to develop the abilities to handle our environment, and develop the skills and knowledge to meet our own needs. What we learn as we go through childhood, how we are treated, who we are told we are, and how independence or dependence is reinforced by our parents can put us on a lifelong path. Parents may be overprotective, or authoritarian. Some children may actually get some types of punishment if they are seen to be getting out of hand for exhibiting independence and autonomy. Being passive, submissive, and dependent is a better choice if one wants to avoid unpleasant consequences. They learn that they are vulnerable and weak. And so it goes through life.

Early life experiences program us for later life, but that programming can be modified. Until change occurs, what does the dependent person think that he or she needs, and how do they think, feel, or act? Briefly stated, they are motivated by the desire to get approval from others, guidance, and support from those who are willing to give it. Their thinking includes thoughts of themselves as being weak, powerless, and unable to meet their own goals. Feelings are colored by anxiety if they have to do something on their own. Anxiety is the anticipation of real or imagined threat. Their actions will involve efforts to make and maintain relationships with people who will give them what they think they need.

The key concept in understanding how we end up being dependent is how we see ourselves, our self-image, our self-concept. If we see ourselves as fragile, vulnerable, and helpless, we will want to be liked, accepted by, and associated with people seen as strong and who have authority and power. Much freedom and autonomy will be given-up to hold on to the security of that relationship.

In spite of the unfortunate consequences of being dependent, it can be quite challenging to help them change. Psychologists have to work hard to help someone who has been this way for 20, 30, or 40 years. The thinking and behaviors can be quite entrenched. It may take a while to be willing to take risks and accept sole responsibility for the results of their choices and decisions, but it can be done. We are like computers. Our programs can be modified, and we can be reprogrammed to be better than ever.