When we meet, date, fall in love and finally marry the person of our dreams, the relationship evolves over time. Feelings ebb and flow, and are modified over time by experience. Feelings are very personal emotional states that vary in intensity and have been known to overwhelm thinking, reality, and even common sense. The feelings that other people trigger in you have a lot to do with the way the relationship goes.

If somebody makes you feel good, you feel good about that person. If somebody makes you feel bad, you feel bad about him or her. It is not that complicated. It is hoped that as the relationship goes through its phases, everything gets better and better. Once it goes from romantic love to mature love, it is hoped that romantic interest, attraction, love and general satisfaction will increase and grow. Both partners evaluate and make some judgments about the quality of the relationship. They basically think about what is good or positive versus what is negative or bad about the relationship. These evaluations have consequences.

Psychologists study how relationships tend to evolve into something that is healthy and very satisfying to both mates, and how relationships ultimately end in breakup and divorce. There are different ways of thinking about this. For example, the partners ultimately develop a connection and rapport that is emotionally meaningful to both of them. They support and encourage each other, ultimately seeing the other one as irreplaceable.

Another view is that the bond grows as the partners work together to accomplish and gain things that are mutually meaningful. This allows feelings of belonging, security, commitment, and positivity to develop. They invest more and more in the relationship. What do psychologists mean when they talk about investment and commitment? That covers a lot of ground. A good start is that the partners need to trust and be trustworthy, because opening up to someone at that level is allowing oneself to be vulnerable, and that can be risky. They each need to resist temptation and be faithful no matter what. They need to be able to blend into a new relationship that allows them to weaken their individual boundaries so they go from me and you, into us. They encourage, support, and help each other to work toward accomplishing their individual goals and interests, as well as the interests and goals that they have as a couple. Being selfish and self-centered has no place here. Accepting the flaws that the other may have, as well as acknowledging one’s own flaws, is important. You each will eventually be seen as who you really are. Both will hopefully expect, and want to be, in the relationship for a very long time. Being able to see each other with rose-colored glasses is a beautiful thing. These are some of the things that can result in a stable, long-lasting, mutually satisfying relationship or marriage.

Many people quickly make a judgment about how well another person will be as a future mate, without taking enough time to get to know the person and without sound judgment or experience. I have met many people who, after being married for a year or two, find themselves married to someone they would not even want to date. Most people want their relationship to last a long time. They want their mate to possess the attributes that were mentioned above. If you assume that the person you are dating will have those attributes, that does not mean that they are actually capable of being that way. The person you marry is the same person that he or she was before the wedding. Weddings do not change people. Expecting that they will improve after being married is not realistic. Dating should be looked at as a screening process. Believe your eyes and ears. Pay attention to the feelings triggered by other people, particularly by the people that you allow to be close to you. If the person you are dating or married to leaves you with positive feelings, great. If not, then you need to give the situation some thought. Tell your partner how you feel, and what they did or said to make you feel that way. If you are lucky, the feedback you give him or her will eventually result in a change of behavior.