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Dear Annie

Dear Annie: My love and I are both about 70 years old. My love, “Marjorie,” belongs to a community service group, which she has been in now for 30 years. Her husband died four years ago.

Marjorie dated “Arthur,” who is from her community group, for a year. They broke up, and about four months later, we started dating.

When Arthur and Marjorie separated, they agreed to keep each other’s secret. He is addicted to pornography, and she is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every time Arthur and Marjorie see each other at weekly community meetings or social events, Arthur thinks Marjorie is protecting his secret and putting it above our relationship. I want to tell Arthur, politely, that I know the secret, thereby making our relationship first and the secret second. Marjorie will not let me do it. What to do? — Angry

Dear Angry: Simmer down. Marjorie is right. You should absolutely not say anything to Arthur. She probably shouldn’t have told you about Arthur’s issue in the first place. But the fact that she shared such an intimate secret with you shows that she really trusts you. Why isn’t that enough? Do you really need to hold something over Arthur’s head to feel good about your relationship?

It sounds as if you have some deep-seated insecurity issues that have nothing to do with Marjorie or Arthur. Reflect on that and try to feel more comfortable in your own skin. If you let jealousy drive your decision-making, you’re headed for a wreck.

Dear Annie: A woman wrote to seeking advice on how to deal with a husband who rarely showers or changes his clothes. You recommended the wife (or a doctor) provide information that might get the husband to change his ways. You missed the mark. The wife needs to take an active approach.

With men (in general), actions speak much louder than words. Assuming that he does not sleep in his clothes, the wife needs to gather up his clothes once he has taken them off and put them in the wash. He will have no choice but to wear clean clothes every day. Further, she should decline to be intimate with him unless he has showered that day. Finally, if their house layout allows, she should sleep in another room. If she takes those three steps, she will both improve the quality of her life immediately and, I suspect, change his showering frequency in very short order.

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