FAIRMONT - "Love is stronger than death, even though it can't stop death from happening. But no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, love is stronger than death."
That is the quote Cindilee Connor's Facebook friends saw shortly after the death of Connor's best friend, Tron Sanftner. From his diagnosis, to his death about 16 months later on July 25, a scroll down Connor's Facebook wall tells the whole story.
9:05 p.m. June 16: "Tron update: Chemo didn't work this time around. Lots of new lesions on his liver, and the main tumor on his pancreas grew quite a bit, wrapping more tightly around his stomach's blood vessels. Doc said they could try a different chemo, but it would be a shot in the dark. Brain and heart trying to process."
Connor had quit her job in order to care for Sanftner, whom she lived with for 14 years. It was when the two learned the worst, that Facebook seemed to help the most.
"It would be very hard without Facebook," Connor said in an interview with the Sentinel. "It's been an awesome support system for me. It doesn't matter if I'm up at two in the morning and I can't sleep, my friends are at the tips of my fingers. I have friends in all different time zones, so there's almost always someone online that can talk with me."
And while Sanftner didn't have a Facebook account, he felt the love through Connor's online friends.
"I put a notice up to send him some cards, and they came rolling in," she recalled. "He was so touched that people who never met him cared so much about him. We got funny cards, touching cards; he loved all of them."
From reading Connor's Facebook posts, most anyone could get a feel for Connor and Sanftner's friendship - and their sense of humor.
4:50 p.m. June 3: "Tron and I have decided that cancer is just way too expensive ... so we're going to return it and exchange for mild high blood pressure, two cavities and a skin rash.
5:35 p.m. June 8: "'You need to go to the doctor tomorrow and get IV vitamin fluids.'
'No, I don't.'
'Yes, you do.'
'No, I don't.'
'I already made the appointment.'
'FINE.'
(I am Bossy-Butted Woman, hear me roar.)'"
Also through Facebook connections, Connor found help caring for Sanftner, with friends offering respite and reflection, from recipes when Sanftner lost his appetite, to advice about a tribute tattoo.
8:48 p.m. June 26: "Tron Tattoo will be on my back, shoulder. A wise friend said ... there will be more bad days than good in the year of firsts without him, and I don't want the few good days cut short because this precious tribute turned into a constant reminder of the gaping hole in my heart. It will always be with me this way, allowing me to stand in the mirror and choose to see it, as opposed to looking down and it's right there."
As the cancer took its toll, there were more tough milestones Connor conquered with help and support from her Facebook friends. She made up her mind about picking out the burial outfit -"Harley Davidson all the way!" - and had an outlet as she said her final good-bye.
4:36 a.m. July 22: "I've given Tron 'permission' to die. ... I told him I'd miss him like crazy, but that I'd be okay. It was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done, but I also know, the most important thing I've ever done. May he find peace when he's ready to step from this world to the next."
8:37 p.m. July 24: "My dear friend is drawing very close to the end. ... My sister has been singing to him and reading scripture; I've been laying with him, rubbing his arm and talking to him, telling him that I love him and that he's not alone. The cats are wandering in and out of the room, taking their turns giving him kisses. May he go with peace in his heart."
Following Sanftner's death and funeral, Connor needed and found more support from her online friends in her grieving process.
"I post something, and it starts a dialogue," Connor said. "I thinks it's therapeutic for all involved. It's like an online support group and talking to people about their experiences helps them as well."
She has also documented her sessions with the Hospice personnel who continue to work with her.
"You know it's bad when you get held after grieving class," Connor said. "But one of my goals in my support group is to also have one voice-to-voice communication a day. A group of my friends here have formed what they call the 'Cindilee Care Connection,' so someone's always around to make sure I'm doing OK."
And as the days go by, Connor documents the ups and downs.
7:43 a.m. Aug. 5: "Off to Mankato to buy lots of Puffs, new locks for my doors, window braces and some pepper spray .... Living alone for the first time in 14 years has me a bit freaked out."
7:12 a.m. Aug. 17: "Trying to remember all of the things I have to be thankful for in the midst of my sadness. ... My good health, a roof over my head, wonderful friends, animals to keep me company, my new computer, a stellar sister, beautiful sunshine, memories and so much more."
9:04 a.m. Aug. 18: "This Saturday would have been Tron's trip to St. Paul to see Megadeth. ... Back stage passes to meet his guitar hero, Dave Mustaine. He always joked that if he could meet Mustaine, he could die a happy man. My heart is breaking that he didn't live long enough to get that opportunity."
8:54 p.m. Aug. 20: "Ran into Julie, Tron's favorite chemo nurse. In the chemo department, each comfy chair has a swing-in TV patients can watch while getting treatments. They're going to use his memorial money to buy DVD players for the TVs. * VERY COOL * He would have loved that, as he was always complaining about nothing good being on during his afternoon appointments. His memory living on."
5:42 a.m. Aug. 24: "Tomorrow is my first birthday without Tron in 14 years. Also one month since his passing, July 25th. Sigh. So hard."
But Connor's Facebook friends made sure her birthday a happy one.
"It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be," she said. "I had about 65 birthday greetings on my wall, and I was smiling and laughing more than I thought I would."
As she slowly heals from the pain of losing her best friend, a few of Connor's "normal" status updates are starting to appear.
"I'm to the point where I'm not devastated 24 hours a day anymore. Last week I had the first day where I didn't cry at all. I had happy memories of Tron that made me smile. But there's still that undercurrent ... But if I had the choice to (take care of Tron) all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
