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Diary of a Fat Cat

April 23, 2013 - Jennifer Brookens
Monday: Tripped the man coming downstairs first thing in the morning... It's feeding time, after all! Waited until Man left kitchen, then bullied other two out of their servings. Hogged front window to sleep in sunbeam all day. Noontime: begged for lunch. Nipped That Woman's leg for sitting down to look at something other than feeding me. She later caught me trying to get seconds on my own.

Tuesday: Snuck outside when That Woman went to get the paper. Took an awesome dustbath on the porch. Girl caught me and carried me back inside. She complained I was too fat. She then pretended to "play" me like the bagpipes. Then she cried when she got my white fur all over her school outfit. Revenge.

Wednesday: Special treat! Chewed up a stick that once held an ice cream bar after I fished some chicken bones out of the garbage. That Woman yelled at other cat who came in for leftovers. Heh heh heh... Evening: Busted when I coughed up a chicken bone from the trash feast. Then That Woman stepped on it and screamed. Well, while you're up, you can get me an extra feeding, right? I mean, I do have an empty stomach now.

Thursday: I am the dominant alpha cat here, but sometimes the other two are great help. For example, the scrawny old black cat always likes to nestle on the white quilt, while I have a love for rubbing against the humans when they wear black dress pants. See, we compliment each other! Evening: That Woman "forgot" to feed me my extra helping tonight. Man being no help on that front. Knocked phone and remote control off his chair to get his attention. The Boy then pushed me off the chair. Hid until Small Loud One distracted, then got back on man's chair and hit him in the head with my tail.

Friday: Slept in warm pile of laundry That Woman took out before going to work. At noon she bellowed about having to wash the clothes all over again. That was nice of her to think of me - I thought they could use some reheating. Evening: Not good. That Woman caught me fighting with the other cats. She put me in the "bully sweater." She says it's impossible to be a bully while wearing an argyle sweater. Tell that to those yuppie hedge managers! I'll figure something out...

Saturday: They're all laughing at me in this sweater. Guess they're right. Gotta find a way to wiggle out of this thing! Managed to catch the sweater on the cabinet door when I wiggled in for my midnight feeding.

Sunday: Um... it's past the normal feeding time here! Think your alarm clocks are broken! I'll help out by getting my paw under the door and rattling it until you wake up and feed me. Afternoon: Oh come on! You're really going to take my spot on the couch for a nap?! Here, we can share, I'll nestle in right on your chest area... What do you mean, "Get off me, lardbutt! I can't breathe!" ? Geez, I just wanted to cuddle... Evening: As part of Girl's math homework, they held me on the scale and said I weigh 25 pounds! I swear you gotta count 4 off for them holding me, a pound and a half for my fur... Then they all had fun pretending to use me in a weight-lifting contest. Yeah, so funny!

Monday: What's with the skimpy servings? And what's all this stuff blocking the cabinet door? Something about a Diet?! We'll see about that... Afternoon: That Woman caught me in a bad mood and made me wear the bully sweater again. But once she left, I managed to move blockage and accessed the cabinet for a real breakfast and lunch... Let's just hope I don't get stuck in there, or I'll never hear the end of it!


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The author of "Diary of a Fat Cat" is not amused about being photographed in his "bully sweater."